To prove my worth as a superhero, it is my job to uncover the evil conspiracies that haunt the great people of this country. This obviously takes some practice. At first I tried to uncover the recipe to the Cane's Sauce at Raising Cane's (for our nationwide readers, its savory goodness made of who-knows-what) had some sort of addictive narcotic in it. Second, after this year's Super Bowl, I attempted to alert the world that the NFL is staged and pre-determined. I was convinced that Vince MacMahon secretly owned ESPN; and writers, paid officials, coaches, and athletes were all in on it, tricking the American public. Vince's next step was to open the 2008 NFL season with two rival-teams cheerleaders getting into a scuffle while Peyton Manning gave Tom Brady a steel chair to the head. This theory was proved incorrect because apparently the steroids are in another sport.
After a few misfires on my part on the previous conspiracy theories, I have come up with the one that has the most legitamacy to it. Who purchases a product without ever seeing it? I'm not talking about services like your energy bill, or the guy who says he "mowes your lawn" even though you've never seen him. I'm talking about an actual product. I spoke to a friend today in NYC that says he's paying $3.50 a gallon for "premium" gasoline. How can you possibly know you are truly getting a "high quality" product? You stick the nozzle in the tank and press the red button instead of the white or blue one, and hope your not getting duped. So to all the luxury car owners out there: Congratulations for paying $20 more at the gas station for the premium gas that you think you are getting. The colaboration between luxury car companies that say the need premium fuel and the gas companies that offer this "premium" fuel is outrageous. It is my duty to save the luxury-car-driving Americans from blindly accepting these elevated charges. My solution is that everyone switch to electric golf carts. If 80-year-old Sal at Florida's Old and Lumpy Country Club can handle it, I think we all can. No more gasoline, no wrecks causing injury, all without losing the personal style of a full-sized automobile. Can you imagine a Cadillac Escalade golf cart? 8" spinners and all. But who knows, after we do that, I'll have to foil the evil plot against energy companies offering "premium energy." Saving the world one day at a time. Until next time, same Otter Time, same Otter Website.
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2 comments:
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA....yeah, thanks for the shout-out, bro! Nothing but the best for my baby (not a real baby, my Acura TL). Hey, I forgot to tell you...in the snowstorm here yesterday, someone slid into my "baby" causing quite a bit of damage. She has a nasty bo-bo, but will get fixed on Monday, thanks to Geico. The guy at least had the decency to leave a note in a ziplock bag under my windshield wiper under the 3 inches of snow on my windshield.
I'm impressed with both your writing and the consistent postings for three days. I can't wait to read more, so keep 'em coming!
Did you know you can have them automatically import into facebook? not sure if you want to do that, but you can! :)
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